June 12
You ever have one part of life constantly coming upon green lights, and the other part of your life, a sea of red lights?
Ever experience, hearing “Yes” on one side of the room, but in the other room, it’s a sea of “No’s”?
I had to really unpack this the other day, and what I had to honestly admit is that I have experienced a loss of confidence in a really important area of my life personally. The funny thing is because of the male ego, I had to given that “loss” so many other titles; skepticism, being smart about the situation, not having enough time, or just being focused.
All of that was complete and utter bullshit.
I was scared of being rejected and losing, because somehow when I get rejected and feel loss, it affects my internal value. The way that I want to see myself daily is impeded greatly when I experience rejection. I begin to ask myself questions like “Could it be true that I am not that special?”
Ha!
The interesting thing about being in tune with myself, is that there are certain habits and actions that become difficult for me when I am running from something. For instance, when I refuse to be honest with myself, I can’t write that clearly, I avoid certain people, and I become a little jaded and bitter. I almost try to beat life at being negative or I try to apply rejection to myself first, so I don’t have to experience it from others.
Newsflash, rejection happens to everyone. Another newsflash is that everything and everyone is not for me. Even though I tell myself that everything and everyone is not for me, and you may say that to yourself as well, I believe internally there is a little part of me deep down that still wants to be wanted by everything and everyone that I want, and when that doesn’t happen, it literally fucks with me day and night.
I wanted to write about this honestly, so I could expose this flaw first to myself, and acknowledge it, so with God’s power and love, I can overcome this.
The great drummer, Tony Williams stated, “You are 75% on your way to solving any problem, when you are aware of it.”
I am now fully aware that I have experienced a loss of confidence in a particular area of my personal life, and I am seeking to regain that confidence daily.